A year ago I would never have posted this photo. A lesson on conditional worth for female leaders and 2 ways to start shifting it

A year ago, I would never have posted a photo where I felt I looked anything other than perfect.

The armour had to be flawless. Hair styled, makeup precise, the version of me that proved I had it all together. Because somewhere deep down, I believed my worth was conditional, that it lived in how well I performed the role of "successful woman." That if I let anyone see me undone, they'd discover what I feared most: that I wasn't enough.

As a leader, I learned to show up polished, composed, in control. For years, that worked. Until it didn't.

The Weight of Conditional Worth

Here's what living with conditional worth actually feels like: you don't even know you're doing it. I had internalised a version of myself that felt like the only acceptable one. The polished one, the competent one, the one who has it together. I'd built my entire sense of safety around maintaining that version.

It wasn't a standard I was trying to meet, it was who I believed I had to be to deserve to exist, to be loved, to be accepted, to matter. So when something threatened that version, when I was undone or vulnerable or less than perfect, it didn't just feel uncomfortable. It felt like an existential threat. Because if I wasn't that version, then who was I?

This is where imposter syndrome lives. In that gap between who we actually are and who we believe we need to be to deserve our seat at the table.

When Everything Fell Apart

Things got really challenging at work. What I projected as failure, things not going the way I'd planned, elements completely out of my control unravelling despite everything I'd done. That's when I realized my sense of value was entirely tied to that success. Not just tied to it, but dependent on it.

When things were going well, I felt worthy. When they weren't, I felt like I was collapsing from the inside out. The armour wasn't protecting me anymore, it was suffocating me. I'd built my entire sense of worth on conditions I couldn't control, on outcomes that were never guaranteed, on a version of success that could be taken away at any moment.

The doubt became deafening. The fear became paralyzing. The overwhelm became constant. Because when your worth is conditional, every challenge feels like evidence that you were right all along: you're not enough.

When it was threatened, I had nothing solid underneath. That's when I was forced to ask: if my worth is tied to success, to outcomes, to elements I can't control, then was it ever mine to begin with?

The Question That Changed Everything

I was brave enough to face what was a huge issue with my self-worth. Not in the abstract, but in the raw, terrifying reality of watching everything I'd used to prove my value feel like it was slipping away.

I had to ask myself: why do I need the success to feel worthy? Why does my value collapse when things outside my control don't go the way I planned? This required uncomfortable inner work. The kind that doesn't give you affirmations or quick fixes, but requires you to look at the truth: that somewhere along the way, I'd learned my worth was negotiable, that it could be earned or lost based on performance, on success, on things I couldn't even control.

I hadn't just learned it, I'd internalized it so deeply that it became my identity. When that version was threatened, everything felt like it was falling apart.

What I Discovered

I got to a place where I truly know my worth is absolutely innate and without question. Not because I learned to "love myself more," but because I stopped making my worth negotiable in the first place.

The woman in the polished photo? I am her. The woman in the raw, undone photo? I still am. I'm the same person at my core.

Being either is absolutely fine. The problem comes when we attach judgement to it. When we decide one version is "better" or "more acceptable" than the other, when we make our worth conditional on which version we're showing the world, or on outcomes we can't even control.

The exhaustion lifted. Not because life got easier, but because I stopped fighting for my right to exist. I stopped tying my value to things outside my control. The armour became optional. Some days I wear it because I like it, some days I don't because I don't need it. But my worth? That's not up for negotiation anymore.

The imposter syndrome didn't disappear because I became more successful or more confident. It dissolved because I stopped believing the fundamental lie that I needed to be anything other than who I am to deserve my place.

How This Shows Up for Female Leaders

As female leaders, we've internalized very specific messages. Professional enough, but not too corporate. Strong enough, but not too aggressive. Confident enough, but not too much. Feminine enough, but not too soft.

The performance becomes exhausting. You're not consciously trying to prove yourself, you're just being who you believe you need to be to deserve your position. But underneath, there's doubt, fear, overwhelm, a sense that if you let go of the image, everything falls apart.

When things go wrong, you don't just feel disappointed. You feel like you're losing yourself.

The imposter syndrome whispers: "See? You were never supposed to be here." The doubt says: "You're not cut out for this." The fear says: "They're going to find out you're a fraud."

But none of that is true. It's just conditioning, the belief that your worth is tied to maintaining a version of yourself that can only exist under perfect conditions.

Two Ways to Begin Shifting

If imposter syndrome, doubt, fear, and overwhelm are your constant companions, here's where to start:

1. Notice Where You're Making Your Worth Conditional

Start paying attention to the moments when you feel your value rise and fall based on external circumstances. When success makes you feel worthy and challenges make you feel like you're collapsing, when outcomes you can't control threaten your sense of self.

Write it down. Not to analyze it to death, but to begin seeing the pattern that's been invisible. The awareness itself begins to loosen the grip, because once you see it, you can't unsee it.

2. Practice Being With Yourself Without the Armour

Sit with the version of you that isn't performing. No makeup, no title, no achievements on display, no success to point to as proof of your value. Just you.

Notice what comes up: the sense that this version isn't safe to be, the fear that if anyone sees this you'll lose something essential, the belief that you need the success to deserve your place.

Ask yourself: "What if this version of me is just as worthy?" Don't rush to answer, just sit with the question. What comes up is the conditioning, the deeply internalized belief that you have to achieve, to succeed, to maintain control to be acceptable.

The practice isn't to fight it, it's to simply be present with yourself as you are and begin to question whether the condition was ever true. Over time, something shifts. The armour starts to feel less like survival and more like a choice.

The Truth We Keep Forgetting

Your worth is not measured by anything other than the fact that you exist. Not by your achievements, not by your title, not by how well you maintain the image, not by your success or your outcomes or the things you can control, or can't.

You are worthy because you are. Everything else is just the costume.

The imposter syndrome, the doubt, the fear, the overwhelm don't dissolve because you change who you are. They dissolve because you stop believing you need to be anyone other than who you already are to deserve your place.

As female leaders, the conditioning runs deep. We've internalized the message that we have to prove ourselves more, work harder, be better to deserve our seat at the table.

But your worth was never conditional. You just believed it was. You can stop believing that now.

REMEMBER THAT.

What version of yourself have you been afraid to show? I'd love to hear what resonates.